Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. He has an ex who has always been in the background. She would keep in touch and try to rekindle their relationship. When I found messenger conversations, I threatened to tell her husband. She wrote it off and said my husband was simply her friend. He reinforced that when I spoke with him. I still didn’t feel right about their friendship. I’ve tried to be understanding because he’s told me she had all these problems in her life.
Recently we traveled overseas for six weeks. On return, I turned on one of our cellphones and he had messages from her. I know I shouldn’t have, but I read them and the messages revealed that he was supposed to meet her at a cafe the day we were flying out but ended up not making it due to car problems — which I know is true, as I picked him up and we had the car towed.
I didn’t tell him I saw these messages but asked about her. He told me he “hadn’t spoken to her for months” and that she contacts him and has overstepped the line with suggestive messages, usually when drinking. Now I know it’s a lie because the phone records back what really happened.
I let him think I believed it and just sat back and did more homework. His phone records show he’s in contact with her, sometimes multiple times a day. When I asked again about their communication, he became irate and hung up. Apparently he’s happy to let me think I’m crazy by continuing addressing something that he says isn’t happening. Please help; I really need some advice.
Wanda says:
I’m not typically an advocate for peeking into our partner’s private stuff like message history and phone logs. At the same time, I’m not an advocate for infidelity. And whether he’d call it that, that’s what this is: infidelity. Even if he and his ex aren’t physically involved — yet — he’s actively engaging in deceitful behavior, lying about his activities, and prioritizing a secretive relationship with his ex over an open and honest partnership with you.
Betrayals like this hurt on many levels. You are likely grappling with anger, rejection, sadness, and many other emotions that are entirely valid and can feel overwhelming. In this space, it can be hard to see a path forward and make decisions. A relationship of 12 years is no small thing and it would be natural that your energy is rallying around an instinct to protect, preserve and repair it. If that’s your objective — to stay together — then you need to be completely straightforward. Unless you explain that you’ve seen messages and phone record, he’s going to keep lying.
Even when you do share this, he will likely try to flip it, accuse you of snooping, blame you for not trusting him — be prepared to stand up to that but also stand your ground. His behavior, while in a committed relationship with you, is indefensible.
Wayne says:
Confrontation is tough, even with people we love and should be able to trust with our feelings and our hearts. And like Wanda said, your instinct is more likely protecting and repairing this relationship than flipping it on its emotional ear and exposing its ugly parts. But your partner is undermining the relationship, lying to you, and doing who knows what behind your back, while doing a terrible job at being terrible.
After 12 years, you should feel emboldened and empowered in expressing what you want and expect out of this relationship and partnership now and moving forward, as well as what you don’t want/won’t accept. It’s time to clearly draw, or likely redraw, those lines for him. You want a committed partner who does not lie or wander. You don’t want to be called crazy or feel attacked when you catch him in his lies or even ask him about his personal life. And you don’t want him receiving/exchanging drunk texts or hanging out with exes who would send drunk texts in any way.
Ask him if he can just put his guard down and talk like a longtime partner and best friend. Tell him about your worry, hurt, concern and impact of his behavior, and what you can and won’t handle from him anymore. If he can engage in an adult conversation about it, hopefully it leads to a moment of clarity and reminder of what should really be important to him. If he can’t engage like an adult, won’t engage, or engages but remains unfaithful, sorry to say it’s time to look into some serious couples counseling or a lawyer who can sort out the gray areas of ending a long-term partnership and protecting yourself. Good luck.
[Dear Annie: I keep falling for my spouse’s lies]
[Ask Amy: My boyfriend is big on ‘giving each other space.’ I need more from him.]
[Ask Amy: How do I apologize for an affair I had years ago?]
[Ask Sahaj: My mom lied to me for a year about having cancer]