Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I was involved with “Tom” while he was incarcerated; I’ve known him and been involved with him off and on for a decade, before he went to jail. When he was in jail, we grew closer. We agreed when he got out, we’d be together — just us, no more going back to his exes or being casual. I knew he still talked to some of them while in jail but I also knew how lonely he was and I believed he wanted to be with me afterward.
He came home, and the first month was good. Then I went back to a night shift job and he got a day shift job, so we weren’t spending any time together. Things changed and we started fighting more. One day he just said he was fed up and left me.
Not even a week went by, and he had a new girlfriend. I also found out that he previously cheated on his child’s mother when they were together. Also, the relationship that he’s currently in is with a woman he swore he would never date again. I feel like I deserve answers, closure, something, but he doesn’t take my calls, he even has his new girlfriend answer instead.
So my question is this: After I’ve given up so much and was there for him at his worst, sending money, going to see him, and now he treats me like this, why am I not able to move on? Deep down I know he’s a scumbag, and I know I need to move on, but it’s like I can’t. It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t been able to move on or date anyone else. It’s like I have a guard up that no one can get me to lower and I don’t want to feel like this. I want to go on with my life.
What’s your best advice to me in this situation? Thank you for your reply in advance.
Wanda says:
One of the toughest things about sustained toxic relationships is our drive to make them work. Even when we know in our gut — even when our dearest friends and family members resoundingly tell us — that the relationship is bad for us, unhealthy, unfulfilling, not worthy of us, there is still this magnetic pull to keep trying.
I have a theory about that. A happy ending, in a sense, will prove we didn’t waste our time after all. If the no-good, lying, cheating scumbag (good word!) eventually commits, turns a corner, goes all in, and becomes your one and only, then we have the proof that we didn’t waste our time after all — that even though everyone else thought we were crazy, senseless, focusing on an unhealthy relationship, we knew deep down it would work out.
Except usually it doesn’t work out, because toxic people are selfish, and they can’t really commit to someone, no matter how much we wish they would.
So here is my advice for you: reimagine your happy ending. It isn’t an ending that ends up with Tom on your couch, in your bed, or even in your life. It’s an ending where you are independent and free of his deceitful, sponging behavior, and you give yourself permission to move on. Your happy ending is you riding off into the sunset solo, with gratitude, realizing you really are better off without him, and that in this case, success means escaping this cycle once and for all.
Wayne says:
Truth, Wanda! I will add: A situation like this could certainly create deep-rooted and extremely intense trust issues that would make most people fiercely guard their heart. But I don’t think that’s necessarily the case for you, because this isn’t about trusting other people, it’s about a lack of trust in Tom and maybe even yourself. And it’s about maintaining a focus on your past instead of a healthier future.
And you should not and cannot trust Tom. Do not keep giving him opportunities to disappoint and hurt you, which I’m pretty sure he gets off on. Give up the false narrative you’re telling yourself and us about lowering your guard to let new people in. You know this is the struggle to move on from Tom to a new life and eventually new romance. Yes, letting go can be devastating, but so is getting continually burned and heartbroken. But what do you expect from Tom anymore? The only thing he’s been honest about is showing you exactly who he is: a charming but habitual liar and line-stepper.
So do your own version of hard time. Review the relationship receipts, cash out, and close this emotional and financial support commissary. Delete his phone number from your contacts and block his number and any other baby mama phones he uses. Delete and block him and all of his associates on social media, too. Do not give in to any of his attempts to get back in your life in any way. Dying to check in on him? Check in on your own mental and physical health instead, and give yourself exactly what you need to continue healing and moving forward: self-love, MMA training, meditation, road trips, coffee with a friend, whatever. Anything but cracking the door to let Tom back in your mind, heart and life. You’ll thank us and yourself for this when you’re in a better place. And eventually you’ll even look back on this experience as a turning point in your life: when you changed your expectations of how you deserve to be treated by a partner, friend or anyone else.
[Ask Amy: My husband recently started reaching out to ex-girlfriends. Should I start my life over?]
[My best friend was a hit at our last July 4 camping trip, but I don’t want her there this year]