Dear Wayne and Wanda,
Every Fourth of July, I go on an epic camping trip with some of my oldest friends. It’s pretty much three straight days of great conversation, fun, food, music, and partying. I look forward to it all year as the one weekend I can really leave responsibilities behind and reconnect with some incredible people. It’s the one weekend when we’re all guaranteed to be together. A few people even fly in from out of state to be there.
Over the years, people have brought guests, and sometimes they click with the group and return, and sometimes they don’t. Last year I brought my best friend “Julie.” Julie is always the life of the party. I knew she’d fit in and she did. It doesn’t hurt that she’s also gorgeous, super bubbly, and a ton of fun to be around. Predictably, everyone loved her and she had a blast. She even had something of a mini-romance with one of my friends that involved late-night campfire conversations and kissing.
As this year’s event approached, Julie reached out about how excited she was to go and wanted to start planning logistics. This caught me off guard. I didn’t intend for that to be a standing invitation forever. Having her there changed the dynamic. In a way I felt responsible for making sure she fit in. I feel like I missed out on some of my usual experiences because I was with her much of the time. And as usual, I feel somewhat invisible when Julie is around. I was looking forward to things being back to normal this year.
Is there a way to un-invite her without hurting her feelings?
Wanda says:
So let’s get this straight: Julie came, saw, and killed it, charmed everyone, and even enjoyed some drama-free summer romance. No wonder you don’t want her to come back! Seriously, this is one cute kitty that is out of the bag and there’s no putting her back in without damaging your friendship. If you tell Julie you don’t want her there, no matter how you say it, she’ll be hurt, and she has every right to be.
After all, you aren’t dreading her presence because she’s boring, rude, offensive or lame. Just the opposite. You don’t want Julie there because she’s hogging the sparkle and dimming your light. Well, that’s actually on you, and if Julie has a dynamic personality that brings all the moths to the flame, that’s not something to hold against her. If anything, it speaks to why you’re friends. Maybe you should look to her energy for inspiration rather than resentment?
The best path forward is to look for ways to enjoy this situation as much as possible, and if you need to insert a little space to do so, so be it. That could mean not carpooling, having your own tent, or volunteering to team up with others to make meals. But there’s no polite, classy or defensible way to be rid of Julie altogether.
Wayne says:
To directly answer your question: No, there isn’t. Julie is clearly as excited about becoming a regular at this holiday hootenanny as you are anxious about her skyrocketing to party VIP status. That’s what you get for bringing a super-cool bestie, I guess. She is your bestie, right? That is how you referenced her. That’s how she likely feels about you. But what does it mean when you don’t want your BFF around when you hang out with other friends?
I think it means you should probably chill out a little. Is the shadow Julie casts so enormous and your concern for losing a little spotlight so desperate that you’d seriously tell her she can’t come to a big boozed-up BBQ with you? You do know what the last F in BFF stands for, right?
Thing is, Julie is so cool that she won’t even notice if you aren’t spending every minute of this year’s patriotic party making sure she’s having a good time, or if you’re actually having a good time of your own moving around without her. She can definitely take care of herself. So, can you?
Now, be a good bestie, fill the cooler with ice and Trulys and charcuterie samplings, and Facetime Julie to make a plan to blow off some friend fireworks in a few weeks.
[Ask Sahaj: Should I break up with my high-maintenance best friend?]
[My best friend got engaged; I should be happy, but instead I’m just jealous]
[Miss Manners: My friends keep flaking out on my tea invitations]
[I introduced my two best friends and they really hit off. Now they’re hanging out without me.]