Q: I’m at the airport after a second failed attempt to repair my relationship with my 21-year-old daughter. I flew from the East Coast to California for the second year and she still won’t meet with me. I was hospitalized for depression and didn’t see my daughter during that period but we did communicate. When I asked to visit her, she suddenly went silent. No email, nothing. Well, actually she sends a birthday card every year. The card this year had a friendly message, but it’s a strange kind of distant communication. She won’t respond to any attempt to actually have an exchange. I flew here and requested by text just to have a conversation. I got nothing. I’ve been here for three days, and now I’m going home deeply disappointed.
I’ve apologized for anything I might have done countless times and begged her to tell me what the issue is. I get no reply. The problem has been ongoing, even before I was hospitalized.
I just don’t know what the problem is, and she won’t tell me. I love her. The relationship is one of the most important things in my life. I’m 71 and don’t want to waste precious time.
- Sad Dad
A: This is a hard one. You feel like you’ve done all you can to reconcile with your daughter but it sounds like the harder you try, the more she recoils. In the absence of an explanation, you have to respect the truth behind her actions. She clearly isn’t ready to re-engage. As a parent to an adult, all you can do is give her space and time. It takes two to rebuild a relationship, and the only person in this relationship you can control is you.
It’s okay to reach out to keep the lines of communication open from your end but it’s best to choose methods that honor her boundaries and give her the space to decide how she wants to respond. Stick to text or sending cards in the mail vs. calling or showing up in her city.
There is clearly a reason for her distance. That reason could have everything to do with you, or nothing at all. The unknowing is the hardest part. I can only imagine how much time you’ve spent replaying scenarios, searching your mind for reasons and ways to fix this.
People tend to isolate when they feel unsafe, resentful, hurt, or when they’re going through things they’re not ready to face. They stop communicating when they don’t know how to express their feelings or don’t see a path forward in the relationship.
Resentment doesn’t form overnight. Your daughter may have complicated feelings about you and your relationship that run much deeper than you think. You were recently hospitalized for depression. Good on you for getting the help you need. Along with the mental health support you received, have you considered how your struggles over the years may have impacted your daughter?
Your apology “for anything I might have done” sounds a bit generic. Apologies that lack specificity can come off as lacking true accountability, too, or even feel transactional - like, “I apologized and now you need to forgive me.” I’m curious if you have done the deep self reflection necessary to take inventory of how you may have hurt her? Have you offered her, not just a blanket apology, but a sincere and specific apology that details exactly what you are apologizing for? If not, start there. If you need help pinpointing what you should be apologizing for, seek help from a therapist or mutual loved ones who may have valuable insight that could help you see and understand your position differently.
When you miss someone this much, it can be easier to fixate on your desire to have the relationship back rather than the work necessary to earn forgiveness and reentry into the relationship. Don’t let your yearning to have her back in your life override the focus on uncovering why she may not want you in hers.
Avoid victimizing yourself. It’s a distraction. Feeling abandoned and shunned by your child without reason must be incredibly painful. You have every reason to be heartbroken. But be mindful of the narrative you’re telling yourself and others by limiting the energy you expend on centering your pain. You are the parent here and your number one priority should be making sure your daughter is safe and healthy first.
This is painful to hear, but have you considered that she could be creating a boundary with you to maintain her own sense of psychological safety and equilibrium? This is not to suggest blame but rather to offer a lens of compassion for her plight in this complicated situation.
This is all a lot to process and consider. I hope you are not navigating this alone. Stay close to your mental health support as you work through your grief. In the meantime, keep finding ways to let your daughter know you care and want to be there, while also honoring her boundaries. Even if it feels like your efforts are in vain, know that they matter. Because no matter what happens between you and your daughter, it’s important you go to bed at night knowing you’ve done everything in your power to repair the most important relationship in your life. If there’s anyone we never give up on, it’s our kids.