Dear Annie: I have a friend who is very social and always finding ways to bring people together, which is wonderful. She also tends to throw quite extravagant birthday parties for her kids, often including things like renting out a venue, going to an amusement park, etc. My kids are often invited.
This is all great except for the fact that after we have RSVP’d, we often get a text or email that says, “As usual, I went overboard, and this party cost much more than we had planned, so if you could pitch in or pay for your kid’s ticket (up to $100 in past years), that would be appreciated. No worries if you can’t!”
We can afford to pitch in, and I always do, but I can’t help but feel a bit annoyed since it seems like others may then be put on the spot and feel obliged to pay. It also just seems like, if she’s going to throw a party, she should pay within her means. At the same time, she is showing our kids a fun time, and they always have a blast. What do you think?
-- Kid Parties
Dear Kid: The party sounds fun for your kids, but she shouldn’t have parties that she can’t afford without asking for help from the guests -- unless she consults the other parents first and asks for input about having an extraordinary birthday party. If you are close to your friend, you might want to get together with her over coffee and tell her of your concerns about some of the parents who cannot comfortably pay for their own kids. She really would be better off paying for her party for her kids, even if she has to scale it down a bit.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He is 66, and I’m 59, and it’s the third marriage for both of us. We both still work full time.
When we are at home, or when we’re out and it’s just the two of us, he treats me perfectly. However, when we’re out with company -- usually mine -- or his grown-up children, he just totally disconnects from me and almost stonewalls me. It is as if he is treating me like a total stranger he’s just walked past in the street. There is no eye contact, and sometimes he becomes hypervigilant.
This behavior is causing me deep distress and is very confusing, I have spoken to him about it, and he says it’s unintentional. He says that he cannot see that he’s doing anything wrong. The last time I brought it up, he said, “Oh, no, not this again.”
I am so confused and don’t know how to deal with this. Please help. -- A Very Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife: You have a right to be confused. Continue to talk to him about it. Maybe before you are going to get together with his children, have a code word for when he is doing it so that you can help him see it as it happens. Let him know that it is unacceptable for him to be so dismissive of your feelings. If he is still flippant about how you feel, it might be time to seek the help of a professional counselor.