Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a few months now. When we’re both out, we text each other, and we usually go home together. He’s been to my place many times. I’ve never seen his house. He says my place is better because I don’t have roommates and he does. But he has never spent the night and always leaves before I fall asleep.
This started as a very casual, no-strings-attached situation but I have grown feelings over time. The other night, I told him I really care about him — I guess I was testing the waters. His response was that I’m “really cool” and he has “lots of fun” with me and he hopes we can keep hanging out. Not the best response but I also didn’t feel like I was shot down either.
This week, a mutual friend asked if we still ever hooked up. When I said yes, she said that he recently took another friend of ours on a date. I was crushed. We’ve never really been on a date. All we do is hang out and hook up. Now I feel like I have been wasting my time, that he’ll never choose me. It feels like I’m always a back-up option, the woman guys hang out with until they find someone they want to actually pursue. Maybe I self-sabotaged this by waiting so long to voice my feelings? I know I should stop seeing him altogether but I really like him. I don’t know what to do.
Wanda says:
A good friend once said, “You have to teach people how to treat you.” She had emerged from a string of unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships where she seemed to always land with dudes who treated her poorly — lied to her, cheated, ghosted, you name it. After soul-searching, and guidance from a great therapist, she saw these men were treating her this way because every verbal and nonverbal signal she emitted broadcast that she didn’t feel deserving of more and she would endure it.
We can’t be afraid to ask for what we need because we think it will scare someone off or push them toward a different person. We can’t not ask because we’re afraid of rejection. Frankly, if voicing needs does result in rejection, then that’s not your person. Your person would be excited by the possibility that you want and need more from them — not bolt at the prospect.
So take a page from my friend’s playbook and start teaching people how to treat you. Ask for what you want. Express yourself. You want to go on dates? You want someone who will spend the night? Invite you over? These are reasonable requests, and unless you make them, you may not get them. But no one’s a mind reader, and if you keep hoping someone will pick up on what you want, magically meet your needs, or see through your keep-it-casual armor or self-protection, you’re going to end up repeatedly disappointed.
Wayne says:
Big picture, you both should have done a better job when discussing your collective future — like him saying that this is a 100% casual thing, and you saying that this is a 100% serious thing now.
Take a breath and reconsider this experience as a waste of your time. Instead of feeding into bitterness or blowing it off, look at it as incredibly valuable. First, you had a great time. It was just what you both were looking for at that time, you both built a nice little pattern of passion around it, and for a few months it worked out great.
Equally important is the clarity you’ve gained since the presumable end. Moving forward you now know you should speak up and demand what you want out of partners, as Wanda noted, and not accept mixed or confusing messages from people you’re invested in. And you’ve obviously gained a clearer view on what you want for your romantic future.
Speaking of the future, as much fun as your history of hook-ups have been, it isn’t working as these journeys ultimately backfire or melt down. Maybe you aren’t built for this lifestyle anymore? How about trying out a more traditional approach to dating: meeting people who are also looking for something serious, going on dates and getting to know one another organically, slowly escalating things sexually if the momentum is building, and see how that plays out for you. Instant gratification? No. Better long-term results? Probably.
[Ask Amy: I had an online crush on this guy — then I saw him. Am I a terrible person?]
[Ask Sahaj: I caught my boyfriend cheating. Should I stay with him?]