Ask Elaine: My husband said he’s less attracted to me after I had our baby

Q: My husband and I have been together for 13 years (married seven). We started dating when we were 19. We are each other’s first sexual partners and weren’t in that many relationships before dating. We spent a long time building up a solid foundation and didn’t run into many big issues until I got pregnant. My husband initiated the family planning conversations, while I was focusing on my tech career, travel and having fun. Eventually, after doing a lot of work on myself and going to therapy, I made the decision to have children.

Pregnancy was super hard, and I had (maybe still have) postpartum depression and anxiety. I gave birth about a year ago. Our sex life took a big hit during that time since I was mentally and physically going through a lot.

After I gave birth to our baby, my husband started commenting that he didn’t really like what I wore and wished I dressed sexier. He articulated that he wished he was more attracted to me. He went to a strip club by himself for hours without telling me. We talked about the issues in depth multiple times, but we are still having problems. He mentioned the thoughts about my attraction level are new, and he didn’t feel this way a year ago.

Our relationship truly had great communication, connection and trust, but changes seemed to accelerate after having our baby. I’m not sure how to navigate this. We are going to couples therapy now, but I still find myself getting resentful.

- New Mom

A: First: As a new mom, it pains me that you’re dealing with all of this. You do not deserve to feel undesirable or ashamed of your body - especially not after growing, delivering and nourishing a new life to give your husband the family he asked for. His failures aside, the changes you are undergoing postpartum - physically, mentally and emotionally - are all normal but hard as hell to navigate. This delicate period of transition calls for extra grace from your loved ones, not harsh criticism. Especially if you are still in the throes of postpartum depression, your health needs to be the priority.

As tempting as it might be to demonize your husband for his failures, I will honor that your goal may be to find your way back to one another since you didn’t say anything about ending your marriage. However, if his behavior persists, reconciliation isn’t the only option here. It takes two committed people to restore a relationship. It isn’t clear from your letter if he is apologetic or still invested in your marriage.

While your husband was eventually honest with you, healing the broken trust that your marriage was built on will take time. There are no shortcuts. This isn’t as simple as losing weight, dressing sexier and revamping your sex life. Your relationship has undergone a major rupture. Much of the outcome depends on his ability to put in the work to examine and fix what’s been damaged. He needs to take accountability for his own actions, vs. blaming your physical appearance for his failures.

What exactly was your husband looking to fulfill in the strip club? How committed is he to repairing your relationship and restoring your trust? Do you both still want to work to repair your marriage? How much time are you both willing to give this? You mention that you did a lot of work on yourself, including therapy, before deciding to start a family. Did your husband do any similar work before initiating family planning discussions?

I think it’d be helpful to also understand where your husband’s mind-set is at this moment. The curiosity and empathy that play a key role in coming to a resolution here go both ways. Instead of stewing in anger and resentment (which are both warranted), you can choose to approach your husband with curiosity - even if he is dead wrong. It can help diffuse your emotions long enough to see the situation a bit more objectively.

Of course, there’s also a new baby to tend to and work piling up, which can put relationship maintenance on the back burner. So, I’m glad to know you’re in therapy. Stick with it. Even if it feels like it isn’t working. It’s important you both make space to feel everything coming up and get help to process it all. If nothing else, therapy offers a necessary pause to check in about where you both are. It’s important to name your needs explicitly and talk openly about your desires in ways you may not have before.

Start by focusing on fixing your friendship. You may want to take sex off the table until the deeper issues are resolved. What do you need to feel safe again within this relationship? The word my husband and I focused on in our own postpartum journey back to each other was “intimacy.” Cultivating a sense of intimacy became the biggest pull back to each other when, naturally, postpartum life was pulling us apart.

When the foundation of a marriage is damaged, sometimes you have to go back down to the studs to fix what’s broken to rebuild. You aren’t just patching up holes. In many ways, you are two new people building a brand-new house together. Only time will tell if your marriage can weather this storm, but I hope this helps you recover a solid foundation - with or without him.