Dear Wayne and Wanda,
Before COVID happened I was really close with my three best girlfriends. One of them was recently married and then she got pregnant in 2020 and had a baby in 2021. Another was engaged when COVID hit and decided to elope since she couldn’t have a big wedding, so none of us even got to go to her ceremony. I’m still so sad I missed that. And my third bestie became very involved with work as the pandemic went on — she’s in health care — and pretty much never left her house otherwise and still doesn’t. She’s pretty much become a shut-in.
At first, when COVID started, we’d Zoom a lot, then that tapered off. We texted all the time at first but that slowed down too. Between the marriages, baby, the crazy job stuff, we just talked less and less, and now we don’t talk at all. Sometimes I send a text out and no one answers for a day or more.
I understand life took them in new directions, but in the meantime, I’m still single and not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have a crazy job that keeps me super busy. But I do miss my friends. I’d be more than happy to just go sit with my one friend and her baby, for instance, and catch up. But no invitations come and I just get radio silence. What should I do?
Wanda says:
Pandemics notwithstanding, relationships will change over time, and while some will endure, others will fade away as lifestyles, priorities and commitments change. It sounds like you gal pals have moved from bar-hopping to baby-popping, from wedding planning to meal planning, and that’s a normal progression for many people. It’s hard to stay connected when routines are so divergent and it’s definitely easiest in those scenarios to let friendships gently fade away.
But that’s normal life and the past couple of years have been anything but normal. COVID accelerated change for many people, whether that was thrusting them into remote work or unemployment scenarios, derailing vacations and weddings, or severely affecting the smallest daily habits, like grocery shopping or a stop at the pub after work for happy hour. Because of that, the transition you’re experiencing hasn’t felt natural or gentle, but instead dramatic, sudden and probably even forced.
You do have options. One is to let the friendships fade. As I said, it happens, and it’s no commentary on your quality as a person and friend, or the past good times your group shared; rather, it’s a logical outcome after your social structure was essentially hit by a meteor shaped like a virus that had a Big Bang effect on your social norms.
Or, you could try harder. Text more. Extend invitations. Heck, show up at your mama friend’s house with a bottle of wine and hold the baby for a while. But if you do nothing besides blast a passive text every so often, the friendships will continue to evaporate.
Wayne says:
I’m on Team Try Harder and you should be, too, if you want to see your friends. They’re busy. They’re anxious. They’re changing diapers. So ask yourself, “What can I do to make it easier for my friends to hang out with me?”
If someone’s pushing back on hanging out indoors in public or even personal spaces, plan a weekly walk or casual ski together so you can talk, catch up and get some fresh air. Dress warm, pack some chairs and enjoy some cocoa — or hot toddies! — afterwards. Even better, treat your health care friend to a spa day that she can’t resist. Do your legwork and make sure COVID mitigations are in place at the spa so she’s comfortable and can relax. She’ll love you forever.
The key to getting some time with your newly married friend? Stop sulking and tell her you want to treat her to dinner to celebrate, hear all about the small ceremony, and see every single photo. That works every time.
And if your new mom friend can’t even think straight enough to make plans right now, tell her you’ve got it handled — pick up some takeout, with her favorite dish, and — yes, Wanda — some wine, and hang at her place. Hit her up every other week and make it a thing.
Getting some regular time together again will remind your friends how much they miss you, too. And if you’re trying harder, they’ll notice and try harder, too.
[I’m vaccinated and so are nearly all my friends. Why is it still so hard to get everyone together?]