My husband thinks secretly chatting up ex-girlfriends on Facebook isn’t cheating. I disagree.

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

My husband and I are in a huge fight about whether or not he has cheated on me. I realize that sounds dumb and trust me, I wish I could talk to my girlfriends about this, but frankly I'm embarrassed because at this point this whole fight seems pretty dumb, yet at the same time, not.

So to preface, my husband has not physically cheated on me. He hasn't slept with another woman or even kissed her.

The problem is, I learned he has spent a lot of time – as in, hours – looking up old girlfriends on Facebook. In a few cases, he sent them messages. Granted the messages were seemingly harmless – like, "How have you been?" or "What's been happening?"

But to me, I feel like he is bored in our marriage and trying to start up an affair. Am I being crazy?

Wanda says: 

Cheating is so nebulous these days. It's so easy to maintain line of sight on an ex. It's also easy to line up a meeting with them. Happily, your hubbie is mostly lurking and cruising. But is his behavior an infidelity? An interesting question indeed.

Many pros ID infidelity as one partner keeping secret a relationship (emotional or physical). In your case, it sounds like you found him out, versus him disclosing. Strike one. But I do believe many people – not just men, but people – find themselves neglecting this disclosure because their actions seem so harmless and it doesn't occur to them that they should take any kind of action.

That said, time for a real heart-to-heart with your dude. So he's curious about the past. Awesome. So he wants to see what his past flames are up to? Lovely. But why? And then what? These are essential questions to ask. He's actually messaged some of these ladies. I think it's reasonable to ask to see those conversations. Some would suggest this lack of transparency signals lack of trust. I would argue the opposite is true. If you have nothing to hide, why not throw the locks off those potential relationship land mines?

Wayne says:

While I never side with a cheater, I'm going to at least give this guy the benefit of the doubt before torching him. Perhaps he ran in a big group of tight-knit friends in high school and college. Perhaps he misses the old crew and he just genuinely, harmlessly wants to know what his old friends, and flames, are up to these days. And perhaps he is completely clueless on how treacherous these communications might look through the eyes of other people – his wife, his friends, relationship experts, newspaper columnists, and just about everyone.

Like Wanda, I agree that it's time to talk, but this shouldn't be a confrontation and it doesn't have to be a fight … at least not yet. First, I need you to take a deep breath and tell yourself that this probably has nothing to do with your relationship or how much he cares about you. Again, he's probably harmless and clueless. You need to rise above any insecurities, unsubstantiated scenarios (him setting up to cheat), and any other worries so you can have a calm, open conversation with him.

When you're finally in that space, talk to him. Ask him what he's up to and why. Tell him that trust is important and that you're concerned he isn't being honest and open with you, and how that could undermine your trust. This should quickly defuse any drama and get you both on the same page again.

And in the event that it doesn't, it's time to call a marriage counselor.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

[Breaking up with my 70-year-old boyfriend was so high school]

[Cheaters be cheating — and getting busted]