My boyfriend spends like there’s no tomorrow. How can I get him to be smarter with money?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I need advice on how to address my boyfriend's spending habits. I didn't always feel like it was my place to say something — he's a grown man (in his 30s) and he survived perfectly fine until we got together a year ago. But now we live together and a couple times he hasn't been able to pay his share of the bills, so I feel like this is becoming my problem too.

He has no personal budget and no goals when it comes to savings. I realize that's true of many our age who live paycheck to paycheck or have simply never given it much thought. But it's ridiculous that he has no savings because he makes good money. In fact, he doesn't even have a bank account.

So where does the money go? When he's home off shift, he spends like a king. We eat out every night – nice places, too. He always buys rounds of drinks for everyone even though no one really reciprocates. He buys me stuff – I realize this is very sweet, but it's excessive, and it's stuff I don't need.

I have suggested he not be so generous or we stay home more often versus having expensive meals. He says it's his money – he earned it, and when he's off shift he wants to enjoy life. I really get that – but I'm concerned he will never have enough to retire or for us to buy a house together. Or pay rent consistently for that matter. Advice?

Wanda says:

The problem boils down to the fact that you're looking at this as your shared problem, and he's looking at it as his own issue. And perhaps if he was just a buddy or you lived separately or even if you were platonic roomies, that would be true. But as a cohabiting couple, presumably committed to a future together, you have every right to shift the relationship into a gear where money matters — including priorities, saving strategies and long-term goals — are handled mutually and agreeably.

But you've got a ways to go to find that mutual agreement. I'm guessing you're taking full advantage of your employer's retirement contribution match while your dude is stashing dollar bills into a shoebox.

The way couples approach finances is a major issue, and potentially a deal breaker if you can't align. So on one hand, it's good you've realized there's misalignment now so you can determine whether it can be sorted out.

Time for a talk. Tell Mr. Man that your concern comes from a place of anxiety about your future and what it will look like. What does he want it to look like? This is a great place to start. Is buying a home important to him? If so, he should start saving. Same for if he hopes to retire early. Maybe there's another gratifying and more cost-effective way he can be generous to your buddies — like hosting a potluck instead of buying bar rounds. Hopefully you guys can talk this through and find some consensus.

Wayne says:

More money, more problems? Maybe for you, Biggie! For the rest of us, it's less money, more problems, especially when it's time to pay that rent or fuel up our non-luxury cars!

Wanda is right: Financial philosophy is certainly a partnership deal-breaker category; for some, it's more important than religious beliefs. Now, a couple doesn't have to be perfectly aligned in how they save and spend individually, but they do need to share common ground and common sense/cents as a partnership to make it work.

Some couples live in the moment, save and spend every penny on travel, eat ramen between every trip and are perfectly happy to invest in experiences. Some couples sacrifice their fashion and fitness by saving every cent for their children – karate, summer camps and college are costly. Some invest the majority of their paychecks and pinch every remaining penny with a shared dream of a retirement spent in a warm and sandy place far, far away from work, co-workers and probably even some friends and family members.

Clearly, you and your boyfriend don't share a vision of your financial future. You believe in responsible bill-paying, a strong credit score, a home purchase and a retirement fund. His idea of saving is making sure to hit happy hour at TGI Fridays. There is no right or wrong here, just differing beliefs. But if you can't rely on him to pay his part of your shared bills, how can you get him to wrap his mind around saving for a home down payment? Do you have the time, energy and money to carry him? Sadly, this money misalignment is going to bankrupt the relationship – and possibly you – if you don't sell low on this guy.

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