Are friendly, secret chats with an ex 'cheating'? Readers respond.

Readers were nearly universally critical to a recent column where a lady letter-writer resurrected a connection with a former flame. The rekindling took the form from online chats that helped fill the void while she was home watching the kids during her husband's extended work-related absences. But as the interaction continued, she felt guilty for not telling her hubby about the chats, even though she said they were platonic and above-board.

[Is it wrong to keep platonic chats with an ex a secret from my husband?]

Comments were so plentiful and interesting, Wayne and Wanda simply had to share a few!

A reader named Daisy summed it up so simply: "Emotional affairs are still affairs."

Wanda says:

Never a truer statement uttered in 2017, when there are so many more ways to cheat than ever before! Just imagine how hard it was to have an affair 20 years ago. You had to actually speak — like, with your voices — either in person or in furtive phone calls. Then you had to arrange actual meetings. Now people can text naked pics, FaceTime, text, Snapchat — and even just have supposedly platonic online chats. An intense connection with another person nurtured without one's partner knowing is, simply, emotional cheating.

Wayne says:

Cheating's actually really hot in the streets right now, Wanda. Talk shows and reality TV programs love to feature cheaters. Every single hip hop song has a line that goes something to the effect of "I'm going to steal your boo." My Facebook newsfeed has at least one daily "Cheaters Caught!" compilation — I didn't subscribe, I swear. Oh, and the whole Ashley Madison hack meltdown. With all this cheating going on, I wonder if the cheaters actually trust one another or trust themselves. Or if cheating is even worth the time, energy, dishonesty, disappointment and embarrassment. Why not just be a grown-up, break up with your boo and then go from your ex to the next?

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A reader named Deidre wrote, "If you're keeping secrets, you've already answered your question. How would you like it if he was hiding the fact that he was chatting up his ex? Platonic or not, you've decided to hide something 'innocent' from your husband — making it far less innocent than you think."

Wanda says:

A couple of excellent points here, Deidre. First, why would we hide something that doesn't need to be hidden, hmmm? But say it is innocent — say our lonely wife is madly in love with her husband and this space-filler ex could be simply anyone, and is just someone to pass time. By keeping it a secret, she's sure making it feel like there's a lot more to it, isn't she?

Wayne says:

And this is one secret she should lock up and keep. Forever. And throw away the key. After she deletes and then blocks her old friend's messages. And after she looks herself in the mirror and recommits to her partner and her relationship. If she really doesn't want to cheat, that is …

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A level-headed sounding reader named Michael said, "It's perfectly fine to have ongoing chats and friendships with members of the opposite sex when married. If you're actively keeping it a secret, that's a problem."

Wanda says:

Bingo! There's no rule that our friends must be same-sex. Duh! But it's a good rule of thumb that no contact, chat stream or text chain in one's phone should surprise their partner should it be discovered.

Wayne says:

Jackpot! We should all have friends outside of our romantic relationships. It helps with balance and perspective. But secret friends? Yeah, that's for kindergartners and terrible horror movies.

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Here are a few additional gems from readers on this topic:

From Paree: "If you're hiding things from your spouse, you're already cheating. Have friendships with the opposite sex is not the problem, being deceitful is."

From Mark: "Uhhh, it may seem like you've been hiding something, because you have been!"

And from Janet: "Yes. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. You know that, or you wouldn't have hidden it."