Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I was hoping you could publish a question that revolves around the election and relationships.
I have been struggling all week with the news that Donald Trump will be our new president.
My current boyfriend and I started dating in the summertime, before the election got really nasty. He is a conservative from North Dakota and I am a liberal from Oregon. We both love the outdoors and living in Alaska.
Unfortunately, this election has brought out the worst in both of us. He is a big-time Trump supporter, and I was in favor of Clinton. Now, the differences that divided us seem so enormous I can't move past it. He is happy-go-lucky and ready to move on, satisfied that his party won. I am not. And I can't help but feel like this is where our relationship comes to an end.
Is it wrong of me to break up with him over our political positions? Or should I stick it out and see if it gets any better? Everyone has differences, I am just not sure when is the right time to pull the plug. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you.
— Post-Election Blues
Wayne says:
What a week, huh? What a freakin' year, really. Democrats and Republicans furiously battling each other and one another. Emotions and passions boiling over. Anxiety, anger and pain, the raised voices of talking heads and ALL-CAPS social media ranting battering our bodies and brains. States, communities, families and friendships fracturing. Hate and violence, too? Really? I'm sad and stressed just typing this. Not exactly our finest moment, America.
I'd love to recommend a big group hug, but even this eternal optimist fears that it would only turn into an argument or worse. So maybe everyone should just stop, take a deep breath and do something positive for themselves and their communities. Like yoga or swimming, volunteering at a pet shelter or building a neighborhood garden. I mean, come on — we have to start somewhere, right?
[Political divide splits some relationships — and even Thanksgiving]
Differences can be amazing for relationships and they can be deal-breakers. It's perfectly acceptable to end a relationship over political differences, financial differences, religious differences, sandwich-slicing differences, toilet-paper-roll-hanging differences and even the habitual misuse of they're/their/there.
But, Blues, before you make a relationship exit, or relexit, with someone you love, let your emotions cool down, examine the situation with clarity and then make your second big decision of November. If your political differences and passions are so intense, how the heck did you two even make it to Election Day? If you guys survived to this point, it's a pretty good sign. And it doesn't sound like he's being a bad winner — that would be an automatic dumping offense.
Right now, this is about you and your feeling of loss. Give yourself another week, then if you can't enjoy a hike and make-out session with your guy, or you can't see yourself with him and his political affiliations long term, then check no on your boyfriend ballot.
Wanda says:
There's an old saying that in social circles, you don't talk about religion and politics. Unfortunately in relationships, religion and politics are among the core values that determine whether we have long-term potential with our current partner. This isn't to say that there's never been a happy liberal/conservative union. Wayne is right; it's awesome when our partner or our friends can open our minds up to new ways of thinking, or to understanding the world from different vantage points.
But as Wayne also said, this year was particularly difficult. I asked one friend whether her man voted for Trump, for example, and she said, "Oh, if he had, we wouldn't be together still." I can't recall a past election when casting a ballot incited such sharp reactions.
Huffington Post published an article about how to keep politics from ruining your relationship. A big theme is this: when you're discussing your partner's opinions against your own, remember that this isn't a contest you are trying to win. You aren't debating, you're sharing. You don't have to change their opinion — and they shouldn't try to change yours. Listen. Understand where they've come from. Hear their viewpoints. Try to remember, this is someone you love — someone who makes you feel happy, safe and fulfilled. Do the opinions you're now hearing truly impact that?
There are some core beliefs one can't compromise on. What are yours? If your boyfriend falls on the other side of those issues, it may be a good time to move on. But as Wayne said, these have been crazy times — highly emotional, stressful, intense. You may also benefit from taking a step back, a deep breath, and re-assessing whether, ultimately, your differences are truly deal-breakers.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.
[Related: Should I invite the girl I'm dating to Thanksgiving?]