Find yourself jealous of your partner's smartphone? You may be the victim of pphubbing

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I have kind of a general complaint about my friends. First let me say, I'm probably not "normal" (OK, I know I'm not) in how I socialize compared to my friends. I don't have a Facebook page, I don't use Snapchat, I've never tweeted. I have used online dating a little. It was awful for me. Up until a couple of months ago I still had a "dumb" phone and even with an iPhone now, I really hate texting and would rather just call someone. And before you assume I'm like some senior citizen, no, I'm 27. I work with children for work and even if I wanted to be on my phone, I couldn't be. I'm expected to pay attention and take care of little kids.

So here's my complaint. When we go out at night — meaning me and my friends, or me and the guy I am seeing — everyone is always on their phone. I think I hit the wall this past weekend. It was a Friday and we were all at a nice restaurant to have some fancy drinks before moving on to a dive bar, and literally everyone at the table was on their phones. One person was photographing her food so she could "check in," two other guys were comparing hits on Tinder, my boyfriend was so engrossed in reviewing the weekend's football schedule that I could hardly get his attention, and my other girlfriend was having a text fight with her boyfriend that was so intense, I wondered why she even bothered staying.

Basically no one was talking to each other. And this isn't new. Why go out with each other if we're all just staring into screens? Why bother to be physically with people when everyone is actually digitally "hanging out" with others? It especially bothers me with my boyfriend. I feel like the phone is his date and I am his third wheel. If he isn't checking scores, he's chatting with buddies or checking Facebook.

How can I convince these people to put down the phones and make eye contact? I'm so irritated by it all.

Wanda says:

During the past couple of years, I've been lucky enough to engage in some international travel. One byproduct of this? No cell service. Sure, we were able to check email and iMessages when we encountered occasional Wi-Fi, but generally, our days were spent completely detached from Facebook, texts and Pinterest. And guess what happened? We had really awesome conversations. We listened really deeply to each other. And most importantly, the world did not end.

Look, I've been there — sitting around the table with friends, looking up from my own phone to see everyone else hunched over, faces softly lit by the glow of the tiny screen. Sometimes I've thought, "Ugh, what are we doing?" Other times, I've thought, "Yay! Everyone else is doing it! Going to check Facebook real quick …"

But while we're swiping away on Tinder or playing Words With Friends we're missing, well, actual words with real-life friends. There's plenty of research on the effects of this, but here are a couple of takeaways: one study from the American Psychological Association found we are literally jealous of our partner's phones. They reported that the more your partner is on his or her phone, the more you feel unsteady in and doubtful of your relationship's strength. Yikes.

Ever heard of "pphubbing?" That's a newish word that means "the act of partner phone snubbing." Yep, there's an actual term for it! According to a study by Baylor, some 46.3 percent of participants reported pphubbing in their relationships, and 22.6 percent said that led to major problems.

So let me say this in 140 characters or less: U probs can't change your friends' habits, but your BF shd put down his phone & pay attn 2 his grrrrl b4 it's 2 late.

Wayne says:

Pphubbing? LOL, Wanda.

Sad to say, but this is the new normal. Heck, you can't even hike around the Anchorage area without passing people talking, texting and playing on their phones. Seriously!

Realistically, you aren't going to be able to put your whole crew on airplane mode when you go out. Not going to happen. You're just going to have to come to terms with this and deal with those distractions.

But you can institute new ground rules when you are out in small groups or one-on-one. Tell them that if they want to hang with you, they have to be in the moment, engaged with you, the conversation and the experience. That means cellphones on silent, put away in jacket pockets or purses, and not on the table or in their hands or laps. If they want to check their phones, they can do it when you're in the bathroom or when you're done squaring up the bill. If there's something so important that they can't wait until those openings to check their phones, they probably shouldn't be out with you in the first place.

It's a hard line, but I'm betting that after getting through a few moments of the cellular shakes, they'll enjoy the quality time with you and the break from their phone addictions. And after a great time with you and a look at their phones later, they'll also realize they really didn't miss much anyway.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.