Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I am a 30-year-old woman who can't stop thinking about a 23-year-old guy. Yeah, I know, and no, I am not a cougar.
I have never in a million years thought I would be attracted to a younger man, but I am. He recently went back to college and we have been emailing back and forth — nothing romantic, we have been strictly platonic. I like him a lot and he makes me laugh, but the age gap is really ominous to think about.
He has never shown any interest romantically but there have been instances where we had a silence between us and just would catch each other looking at each other at the same time and afterward ignore it. I feel we have so much in common but are still worlds apart. How can I stop this foolery? How can I stop feeling this way?
Please help.
— 30 Going on Insanity
Wanda says:
If you've never dated widely beyond your own age range, the first time can be a bit of a head trip. But once we hit our early 20s, the playing field is fairly level: we're typically either already working or about to be done with school and entering the workforce. At this point in life, our problems and circumstances are more homogenous. Consider this: it's possible your 23-year-old friend has a lot more in common with you emotionally and intellectually than with the 19-year-old gal who sits by him in economics.
It sounds like you feel an intense connection to this guy. Do you really want to forget him and move on? OK then: go spend some time volunteering, sign up for Match.com, take up knitting, learn a new sport, watch "Lost" again starting at episode one, or do any other number of things to burn time and distract yourself.
Or: be OK with this crush. Embrace it! Know that a seven-year gap at this stage in your life really isn't a huge divide. And don't worry about society's opinions and pressures that would suggest otherwise. What 30-year-old dude out there ever balked at crushing on a girl seven years his junior? Haven't met him yet. Younger guys can be fun, full of energy, and refreshingly unjaded compared to their older peers.
If I were you, I wouldn't try to push this guy out of your mind; I also wouldn't continue to sit and ponder and wonder. Make a move. Because you two email, and because email is less scary than actually talking, tell him in your next message that you've thought a lot about him and the awesome connection you guys have. Then hold your breath and see what happens next. If he turns you down, at least you know where you stand. If he doesn't — well, who knows what could happen?
Wayne says:
The major difference between 30 and 23 — other than an awesome drop in your auto insurance rate! — is having a sense of clarity about what you want out of life. At this point, you've probably worked at a few adult jobs, evolved into some solid adult friendships, survived a few adult relationships and made a lot of adult decisions: rent or buy, dog or cat, paper or plastic, Team Edward or Team Jacob. These experiences give us strength, confidence and a vision for our lives that most early-20-somethings simply don't have yet.
Somewhere along your journey, you've convinced yourself that you shouldn't date younger men. Why again? You didn't spell it out. And nowhere in your letter did you make a legit point for not going all in on someone you are absolutely crazy about. All of these warm feels got you acting like a teenager. Of all of life's tough adult decisions, this one is a slam-dunk. Wanda, I'll see email and raise you a visit to his campus next weekend and a big kiss greeting. Now that's a grown-up move.
Still not sold? Then at least give yourself some real, tangible reasons why it won't work rather than saying that it's just silly. Let me help with some factors that actually should concern you: maintaining a long-distance relationship; dating someone who is probably broke; possibly being the same age as his oldest sibling or even an aunt or uncle; the reality that he may still stay at his parents' house when he's not away at school.
Now you're armed with arguments for both sides. And now it's time to make your decision. Being an adult is tough …
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.