Q: I am having a very hard time putting my husband’s one year of emotional cheating with his old college flame (from 58 years ago) behind me. It’s been two years since I found messages on his phone, and I’m still thinking and crying about it. He insists that he’s stopped, but I have no proof; in fact, he has kept all of her contact information. I’m still going back and reading their very intimate conversations, and I’m going crazy. I just can’t believe he did that.
We have been married 48 years, and he described our marriage to her as very good. But he told her that he didn’t marry me out of love but to have children, that she is his only love and that he wishes to be with her all the time but can’t, so as to not hurt others. He told her all that “to make her feel good.” Is that for real? And at some point he was planning to introduce us.
Is this some kind of crisis? I just want to find my inner peace and calmness. I haven’t forgiven him, but I pretend everything is fine. He doesn’t want to talk about it and encourages me to forget it. How can I put this behind me?
- Sad and Confused
A: Of course finding these texts turned your world upside down. You were doubly blindsided: first by his act of emotionally cheating, and second by his hurtful comments about your marriage.
You have to decide whether you can move on from this and what you may need to do so. Your husband shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat here. Finding “inner peace” is about turning inward and giving room to what you feel and need - not what your husband wants you to do to move forward. This means having open conversations without him getting defensive or encouraging you to let it go. You haven’t put this “behind” you yet because you haven’t actually faced and dealt with your pain, or been able to share it honestly. Ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away; it makes them fester.
Has your husband genuinely apologized yet? Apologies are more than just saying the word “sorry” once. They have to be paired with a sense of accountability to amend what was ruptured - in this case, your trust. It’s better for him to just pretend as if it didn’t happen, but being in denial about what happened just elongates the healing process.
What proof do you need that he has stopped talking to her? It sounds as if you don’t have any assurance that this emotional affair is over, and, at the very least, you deserve that. What do you need to feel as if he wants to repair the trust he broke? Have you discussed what mutual boundaries need to be implemented for you to feel emotionally safe and connected again? Is he willing to attend marriage counseling with you to work through this together?
I’d also encourage you to stop reading his messages. It doesn’t solve anything, nor will it make you feel better; in fact, it’s only keeping you stuck in a cycle of despair and making you feel “crazy.” If anything, you are probably revisiting these messages because you haven’t been able to fully accept that this happened.
This is not easy, but you don’t want to pretend that everything is fine when it’s clearly not. This doesn’t mean being cold or rude to your husband, or trying to punish him for what he did. Instead, it means acknowledging what you’re feeling and allowing yourself to process the effects of his actions. Take some time to really identify all the feelings coming up for you other than shock and sadness. Do you feel humiliated? Shame? Anger? How has this affected your sense of self?
Forty-eight years is a long time to be with someone, and it’s one thing if your husband is engaging with love and respect and real remorse for what he did; it’s another to feel as if you have to just accept this because you’ve been together for so long. You have options. You may decide that you can trust him again, or that it’s not worth it to separate, or that you are willing to stay in the relationship but live separate lives. Or you may ultimately decide you need more than what you are getting. I don’t know, and although I think couples counseling is an important next step, finding your own professional to process this further individually would be good, too.
Trust can be earned back, but your husband has to actually want to repair what he broke in your relationship. Even then, only you can decide what you need to move on from this. Instead of looking for your husband to give you peace, consider how you can find it for yourself.