In preparation for the Internet's favorite TV show premiere on Wednesday, "Alaskan Bush People" found a way to make an hourlong preview for the upcoming season. Shut the front door. It's funny because when last season ended, there was an equally long post-season special.
What's next? An hourlong special after each episode? They couldn't just make a normal trailer like everyone else? This show never ceases to amaze me. Let's get into some of the highlights:
1. Bear finally got the facial hair memo, and now has a legit goatee instead of whatever patchy, beardy thing was on his face before (see photo at right). See? Good things do come from reality TV fame.
2. Noah (youngest son who is really sentimental, dresses like a character from "Oliver Twist" and creates weird inventions) got a lot of screen time for being the family outcast. It made me feel sad for him, until he showed cameras around his workshop, where he has jars of deer hearts and strange beetles all over the place.
3. A bear (an actual bear, not fresh-faced human Bear) breaks through a window into a cabin with no explanation, narration or cast reactions.
4. There was an intense montage of the kids bushwhacking with machetes, way too close together. They didn't seem to be trying to get anywhere; they were just being human weed whackers. There was also a fight over the machetes, which seems like the most dangerous sibling fight one could imagine.
5. The production crew had to call in medics for Billy, and he, Ami and the kids have a serious conversation about his health.
6. Rain (the youngest daughter) is all grown up and wearing a lot of eye makeup and bossing around her older siblings.
7. The narrator ending by saying, "If they can stay alive, it will be the biggest summer of their lives." That's cryptic, man, but way to suck me in.
Next, our friends at Animal Planet have yet another new Alaska show. Quick history lesson on Animal Planet: They frequently air programs that don't quite make the cut for Discovery Channel. For example, "Alaskan Bush People" premiered on Animal Planet, but then was moved up to the Discovery empire main stage after the first season had decent ratings.
I'm impressed because "Dr. Dee: Alaska Vet" is actually about animals. Though I failed to TiVo it, I did watch a video of an adorbs puppy, who was born with only back legs, get a puppy walker from Dr. Dee. It's so cute, I couldn't take it. Then I watched the next video of Dr. Dee driving up to Delta Junction to use a chain saw to cut off a sheep's horn that was growing into its eye, and I realized that being a vet is not just playing with cute puppies.
"I need to put this on my resume. Do you feel horny? Let me just take my power tools to you," said the vet after she sawed off the sheep horn. She was totally likable, so I'll probably continue to watch the cute clips and skip the gross ones.
While this isn't exactly an Alaska reality TV show, there's a new spinoff of "Buying Alaska" called "Buying the Yukon." Here's what I learned in the one episode that I watched: White Horse is experiencing a new boom, and I didn't believe it until I saw the young hipsters moving there to look for property. And I got sucked in. I wonder if this is how Outsiders feel when they watch people look for property in Fairbanks. No disrespect, FBX.
Finally, a new season of "Railroad Alaska" starts on Saturday. How is "Railroad Alaska" still on? It's boring as hell. As I pondered this question, I received the most genius, self-aware promotional email ever from Discovery.com's PR team:
"Is the yule log too exciting for you? When turkey isn't enough to put you to sleep on Thanksgiving, Destination America has the snoozefest you need," it reads. That's right, on Thanksgiving, Destination America will be attach a camera to the outside of the train and air a real-time Alaska railroad ride from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. Eastern Time followed by an encore. "All a-bored!" indeed, Destination America.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.