Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'm worried about my best friend, we'll call her "Betty." Betty and I are both in our mid-20s and have office jobs here in Anchorage. We're by no means rich, but we do well enough to pay rent, make car payments, go out on weekends, etc. Betty recently started dating "Bob," who makes a lot of money and is about 10 years older than her. After dating for just a couple of months, they're moving in together. Or more accurately, Betty is moving into Bob's giant house in South Anchorage.
I actually like Bob. I just think they are moving too fast. I told her she should slow down and she got really mad at me and said if I don't like it, I don't have to come over and hang out when they're living together.
I wasn't trying to push her away but I also felt like I had to say something. Bob is a lot older and I'm worried that since he has so much more money, that might make him controlling. And two months just seems too quick to me. Am I wrong? Was I out of line? I am tempted to tell her I shouldn't have said anything and support her decisions … but I just don't think I support this one. Help.
Wanda says:
Here's the problem: When you say, "I think you're moving in with Bob too soon," Betty hears you say, "I don't like Bob." Assure her this is not the case, and that you are glad she has found Bob and think he is a great guy, but you remain anxious regarding the speed with which she's setting up house.
There are piles of research that suggest living together too soon can crush an otherwise promising union. Before you move in with someone, there are scores of issues to wade through. How will you divide the bills? What about housework? How does the other feel about pets? Houseguests? Parties? Is he an early bird or night owl? Messy or neat? Is he functional before coffee or one of those annoying up-and-at-'em types? There are other things you learn about your partner over time that could be suffocating to discover in close quarters.
Another thing about living together is it makes it a lot harder to break up. Once you share a household, it's a lot more difficult to untangle shared possessions and figure out whose is what. In fact, the headache and process associated with moving out can sometimes result in people staying together too long, and unhappily at that.
People move in together for all kinds of reasons. It seems like it will be easier, or it will save money. It bridges the gap in a long-distance union. Or in this case, they're just really excited to be together. Tell Betty that you adore her and want her to be happy, which is precisely why you're encouraging her to pump the brakes. If she and Bob are meant to be, taking a little time won't hurt anything.
Wayne says:
Unfortunately, it's too late for our concerned letter writer -- or anyone else -- to back Betty and Bob out of this arrangement. They are crazy about each other and this move-in is happening. Betty has emerged from a world of bros to find a real man with a real job and a stable foundation. And Bob has scored a fun, young hottie to be the cherry on top of his already awesome life. No one is breaking this up. No one.
You've spoken your piece and you're a good friend for doing so, but you also have to appreciate that we all move at different paces in life and love. You're hung up on your own beliefs of how a relationship should play out, and that seems to be at a slow and steady pace. And hey, nothing wrong with that. It's understandable that you'd be a bit thrown off by this little red Corvette of love screaming down the highway and potentially flying off a cliff. But this could also be that "true love" thing that people talk about all the time and they just happened to have hit the jackpot.
And besides, you like Bob and love Betty! Now that you've aired your opinion and realize nothing is going to stop this next phase of their partnership, the best thing you can do is get in their corner and cheer them on.
You'd be perfectly within your right to get in your bestie's business if Bob were mistreating her in any way, but that hasn't happened. So if Betty's long-term friendship is important to you, get out your cardboard boxes and duct tape and help her move in with her boyfriend already.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@adn.com.