Dear "Alaskan Bush People" producers and editors,
You had me hooked last week with your matchmaker episode. For those magical 42 minutes of television I was willing to overlook your complete disregard for continuity and Darwinism. Unfortunately, this week you went back to lackluster "the Browns need to catch a deer/go barter for chickens or they'll die" plotline.
The three or four minutes when Bear met his potential love interest, Sarah, were entertaining. He looked for a gift for his future wife, saying "an obvious gift that I would give a girl I liked would be like a cool shell, rocks that are awesome, or a sharp knife," and I thought to myself, "This man is a quote machine, I am invested enough in this show to go create a Wikiquote page for Bear Brown."
But that storyline was quickly dismissed when Sarah would not climb a tree with Bear, and he explained how height works. He actually started talking about how he could see houses that she couldn't see because he was up higher, as though she didn't understand. No wonder it didn't work out.
While you sent Bear's potential TV wife fleeing, the oldest brothers were sent hunting. We all know that deer wasn't killed by Matt and Bam, since you didn't show them shooting it. It was also obvious that the entire chicken barter thing was a complete set-up, since they met some pre-mic'd dude on the dock who had terrible directions to the exact location of the chickens -- including a right-hand turn at a grizzly bear (eye roll). While we're on the chicken subject, you can't show a chicken laying one egg and then show a pan full of scrambled eggs. It just doesn't make any sense.
Stop trying to make "Alaskan Bush People" an account of survival and family dynamics and just make it a show about a bunch of weird dudes looking for love. (For examples, see the entire "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" franchise, "Flavor of Love" and the long lost, but not forgotten, 2002 series "Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska.") It doesn't really matter if normal-ish, armless-shirt-wearing Bam and talkative, practically dressed Matt get along, or if Billy's constant demands go unmet. Just keep giving us some silly Bear quotes sparked by a matchmaker and you're golden.
Just one final question for you: With the Alaska film industry tax credit program gone, will there be a fourth season or will the Browns magically decide to move to Canada?
Sincerely,
A viewer
Post script: I'll watch next week to see what kind of trouble Ami is in with the law, but if you manage to mess that up, I'm done. For real.