Do you own a gun store in Alaska? Do you have a big, fun personality? Do you have interesting clientele "who have a diverse array of reasons for wanting to own a gun in Alaska?" If yes, Orion Entertainment, a Denver-based production company, is looking for you.
They are casting for a new series about the "ultimate" Alaskan gun store. I feel like I've had this nightmare before; it was called "Wild West Alaska" and it was terrible. Why must every boring Alaska show come in pairs? "Buying Alaska" and "Living Alaska" are the exact same boring show. "The Hunt" and that other Kodiak bear hunting program that no one remembers were exactly the same minus a dude from Metallica. I have a strong feeling that "Alaska's Ultimate Bush Pilots" is going to be a copy of "Flying Wild Alaska."
Most importantly, interested parties are supposed to submit their bios and photos to bestcastingever@gmail.com. Orion Entertainment, don't you have a domain name? You had to use Gmail? On top of that, "Bestcastingever" sounds like a hashtag that producers made up after knocking back too many Fireball shots: #bestcastingever #yolo #nofilter. Email your photos and bios with caution; this Gmail has not been verified.
Animal Planet is responding to National Geographic's "Life Below Zero" with a new, eight-part series called "The Last Alaskans," a show about the people who live in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I'll say a couple of things after skimming some of the production clips. It seems like they've found quite a cast of characters, including Heimo Korth, who has been on the small screen before. And generally the people seem totally legit. This show actually taught me something. Apparently there are trees in the Arctic. I've even been to the Arctic and had assumed that Arctic equaled no trees. Thanks, Animal Planet.
Finally, that name feels a little strange. It's called "The Last Alaskans" because in 1980 no new human occupation was allowed in ANWR, so now there are only seven permitted cabins left. But I hope there will still be Alaskans even after no one is living in ANWR. The first episode will air at 9 p.m. Monday, May 25, on Animal Planet.
Now for my weekly sad "Ultimate Survival Alaska" news. After at least 15 ruined packrafts, 20 or more quirky adventurers, one lost gold pan and three great seasons, "Ultimate Survival" is gone. According to producers, it's not because of Sen. Bill Stoltze's war on entertainment, but due to lower than expected ratings. This is exactly like when "Freaks and Geeks" got canceled my freshman year of high school, and I was shocked to find out that every other high school kid was not sitting at home with their parents on Friday nights watching a TV show about nerds and stoners.
Finally, for some weird related news (actually, this has been 100 percent weird news), a 33-year-old Juneau woman smashed seven flat-screen TVs at Walmart with a hatchet. Authorities did not say where she got the hatchet or identify a motive, but I can only imagine this was a political act of rebellion against the cancellation of "Ultimate Survival Alaska."
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.