Dear loyal readers and people who stumbled onto this thinking it was real news, Pink Raincoat Girl got in touch with me. Unfortunately, we couldn't talk because she signed a confidentiality agreement with Discovery Channel. I haven't been this sad since denim-overall-wearing Jimmy Gaydos was kicked off "Ultimate Survival Alaska" season two after a stupid knee injury.
Speaking of the Discovery Channel/Animal Planet empire, they have been airing a new program called "Alaska: Battle on the Bay" that has apparently upset some people with their exaggerations. The Bristol Bay Regional Seafood Development Association, a group representing Bristol Bay fishermen, put out a press release correcting Discovery Channel's promotional materials. "Battle on the Bay" claimed that the 2014 Bristol Bay salmon run was "half a billion salmon." However, the 2014 salmon run was actually 44 million. So Discovery was only off by 456 million salmon. No big deal.
The Weather Channel's "Coast Guard Alaska" (the Weather Channel has programming besides the weather?) is launching its final season this week. I can't help but wonder if more Alaska reality shows will be in their last seasons, given the recent news that the state's film tax credit program is potentially on the chopping block.
This week on "Ultimate Survival Alaska," our adventurers were given tools and logs to build rafts and float down the Tazlina River. The only team to make it all the way to the extraction point with their raft was the Lower 48 team (now a team of only two). The rest of the teams ended up in some form on catastrophe, either busting their rafts on rocks or losing their oars.
This episode reminded me how much I love Jared Ogden from the Military Team. This is his second season on the show and he is always the man who decides to go swimming across extremely cold bodies of water to save his teammates' gear, time, lives, etc. He also says everything in a total monotone and explains everything in a very detailed, matter-of-fact way. Examples of classic Jared quotes: "We attached logs singularly, building a tourniquet system," while they are building their raft. And "One man pulling on a tug rope is no match for a river," he says, trying to save his team's raft from being lost on the river. Correct, Jared. These things are totally correct and your cadence is my favorite.
After all this, Dallas Seavey loses his pack in the river and his teammates get visibly freaked out that he no longer has gear or his ration of food. But Dallas just shakes it off like a boss and refers to things like his sleeping bag as "comfort items." Either Dallas is a true American hero or he knows that National Geographic Channel won't let him die. Actually it's probably both.
All four teams conveniently have two expedition wins, making this anyone's game. In the trailer for next week, we saw bears. As I've learned many times over the past year of Alaska programming, bears are everywhere in Alaska, just waiting to kill you, so it's about damn time, National Geographic.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV and can be reached at play@alaskadispatch.com (subject line: Reality Check).