If the snows ever return to Southcentral Alaska, here's a tip on how to survive, courtesy of the lamestream media from America's faraway coast: "Stay warm.''
With the mother of all storms (or maybe the stepsister of a midsize Bering Sea blow) pummeling the East Coast this week, "stay warm'' was No. 3 on the list of "top safety tips for surviving the blizzard of 2015'' from CBS News.
Yes, this is the savvy information now provided by the network once home to legendary newsman Walter Cronkite. It has to make Alaskans wonder just how out of touch with nature are those who live Outside.
The other top tips?
"Don't drive."
"Be prepared."
"Put down the snow shovel."
"Mind the gas."
The first three warnings are largely self-explanatory, but the last could leave a few scratching their heads. It was a caution against trying to heat the house with a charcoal grill, camp stove or any of the other heating devices that come with warnings to use them only outside because they give off large quantities of carbon monoxide.
Carbon monoxide (CO) is an odorless, colorless gas that adheres to red blood cells and takes the place of oxygen. It doesn't take much CO to poison and kill people. "Mind the gas'' might be a valid safety tip.
Remember to breathe
As for the others, are Americans now so clueless they have to be told to put on warm clothes before going out the in the cold, or cautioned to stock the house with groceries if it looks like they're going to be staying in for a few days?
What next? Tips on how to deal with Superbowl Sunday?
Turn on the TV. Be sure to have adequate supplies of chips, salsa and beer. Don't drive. Put down the shovel.
The CBS snow shovel warning is especially rich: "Some doctors recommend avoiding snow shoveling if you are over 55 or have a history of heart problems. If you must shovel the snow, be aware of the health implications; take breaks, dress warmly and remember to breathe."
Don't you hate it when you forget to breathe? That just causes all kinds of problems. And if you're over 55, well, then you probably already know that's when life basically ends, and you climb into your rocker to await death.
Here's some better advice: If you are over 55, or under for that matter, and worried about shoveling snow, get in a fitness program and get yourself in shape. Shoveling snow shouldn't be hazard to your health.
And there are big benefits to getting in shape. Cardiovascular exercise improves the flow of blood to your brain so you think better.
The Grounds Guys, a global franchise of groundskeepers, jumped on the bandwagon. "Thousands of people are injured and treated at emergency rooms for injuries sustained from shoveling and removing snow and ice from driveways and walkways. The most common injuries were sprains and strains to the back and shoulder. They offer safety tips, beginning with "dress accordingly."
Dress accordingly? What exactly does that mean? According to what? If someone lacks the sense to put on warm clothes when heading out in the cold, how exactly is telling them to "dress accordingly'' going to help?
Sure, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin would explain, as she has far too many times already, that it's just "common sense.'' The problem is that sense isn't common. Sense is something you learn.
Sense is something parents are supposed to teach you, as in "Billie, put on your hat and gloves before you go out to play in the snow.'' Or at least this used to be what parents taught.
Has the Nanny State so taken over that government and its oft times propaganda arm -- the media -- needs to tell New Yorkers how to dress for the weather? Thankfully, this silliness has yet to reach the north.
Where's Fairbanks' warning?
Temperatures were supposed to drop to 45 degrees below zero in Fairbanks on Tuesday night, and there was nary a hint of a warning on the National Weather Service website. Forty-five degrees below zero is dangerous cold.
Unblended home heating oil and diesel fuel gels and ceases to flow at those temperatures. Exposed skin can freeze in five to 10 minutes. Staying warm outside becomes a struggle, no matter how well you are dressed.
Alaskans deal with it. Alaskans apparently remain cognizant enough of weather problems that they don't need to be warned about what to do when cold or heavy snow are forecast. Many, if not most, Alaskans are accustomed to these sorts of thing. Valdez averages 326 inches of snow per year.
Do the math. That amounts to more than 27 feet of snow. That's nearly the height of a three-story house. Thankfully, snow settles.
A three-foot snowfall on a Monday can shrink to half that depth on the ground by Friday. If it worked otherwise, there would be no Valdez. It would wholly disappear beneath the snow every winter.
And everyone would die from trying to shovel their way out. Or something like that.
Contact Craig Medred at craig@alaskadispatch.com. The views expressed here are the writer's own and are not necessarily endorsed by Alaska Dispatch News, which welcomes a broad range of viewpoints. To submit a piece for consideration, email commentary@alaskadispatch.com.