Deep in the Alaskan wilderness...where you can see the highway...
This week's "Ultimate Survival Alaska" took place on Six Mile Creek. The Military Team got a raft to float down the class-four rapids in luxury, the Alaskans had two inflatable canoe/ kayaks and the Endurance and Lower 48 teams had to hike their way out to the extraction point.
The Lower 48 team finally got a win, but Cluck lost his scarecrow-esque hat, which makes the whole thing a loss in my mind. Cluck without a scarecrow hat is like Marty Raney with his shirt buttoned. Nobody wants that. I'm not surprised they won because they are basically in Hope, which is their teammate Jim Sweeney's hometown, according to the National Geographic website.
Let's dig into the Alaskans' journey a little more, because it was so ridiculous. First, they jumped off a cliff into a creek with an unidentified depth in order to get their map before the other teams, who were crossing the canyon on ropes. Then they floated down Six Mile in two inflatable canoe/kayaks. Marty Raney and Tyler Johnson flipped their canoe, Tyler lost his shoe and replaced it with some kind of blue foam sleeping pad-looking thing, which he tied onto his food with string. They then rigged their canoes into a pontoon boat with some logs and floated until they could catch the Turnagain Arm bore tide, and they decided to separate their boats. They ended up in last place, but were consistently the most entertaining.
Speaking of entertaining television, on "Alaskan Bush People," the Brown family is building their new homestead somewhere "an hour boat ride" from civilization, according to the Discovery Channel narrator (but he's sneaky and frequently stretches the truth. I don't really trust him, so they could actually be in Ketchikan for all we know). The episode was called "Welcome to Browntown," which is a ridiculous name, but I do imagine that someday cruise ships will stop in "Browntown" and people will pay $100 to use their janky outhouse.
According to the Brown parents, they are going to build up their property to accommodate their family as it grows. The mother, Ami, explains, "If you take just the five boys, say they have four kids each, that's 20 grandkids. When the girls get married, they have four kids each, that's 28 grandkids. Then great-grandkids. It could grow exponentially." One question for Ami: How are your kids going to meet potential suitors while they are out living in the Bush? I don't think they have Christian Mingle, Farmers Only or even Tinder in rural Southeast Alaska. Maybe that should be a new dating website: DateAKRealityStars.com.*
Anyway, two of the kids (adult men, ages 25 and 35), dropped a crab pot on a rope that was too short, so they lost the pot. When they went to retrieve it at low tide in the dark, they ended up miles down the coast. The Discovery Channel production crew ended up sending out a search-and-rescue team to find them. Unplanned interaction with production crews will always be my favorite part of reality TV.
The last thing that struck me about this episode was a scene where the 20-year-old daughter named Snowbird is playing with dolls with her younger sister, Rain. "One of the great things about the Bush is you can do whatever you want. That includes never growing up," she said. Something about this scene made me realize how exploitative this all is and made me feel like I shouldn't be watching this show anymore.
But I gotta say, I can't stop watching.
*DateAKRealityStars.com is available for purchase. It could be yours for only $17, and I will help with complimentary consulting services.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV and can be reached at play@alaskadispatch.com (subject line: Reality Check).