Dear Annie: I have a question I hear many people ask about wedding gifting.
The old rule of thumb was the gift should cover the plate. Others say it’s a gift and you’re not responsible for paying for the couple’s wedding.
Recently, my husband and I attended a family member’s wedding; we put $200 in an envelope and gave them a lovely wedding frame. We couldn’t afford a hotel so we drove 2.5 hours each way.
We truly couldn’t afford what we gave as it was. And we never heard a word after the wedding.
It was lovely talking to friends and family, but I truly wished I hadn’t attended.
Is it a gift, or must we pay for all expenses for each of us? When our children got married, many people were very generous, and some were not.
-- Confused
Dear Confused: As far as the amount to give, it varies. Cultures have different ways of handling important events like a birth, a wedding or a funeral. You mentioned an “old rule of thumb” stating that “the gift should cover the plate.” That sounds fine for some people, but perhaps not for you. It sounds like your gift was as generous as it could be. In other words, it was clearly your intention to honor the couple the best way you could. The $200 gift you gave, along with the frame, sounds very generous in view of the circumstances you described. The fact that you had a good time at the wedding with your family and friends would seem to indicate that they had a good time with you, too. Clearly, your presence was enough. You mentioned that the couple did not acknowledge your gift. That might not be a reflection of your gift but perhaps a reflection on the couple.
Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to “Love My Mother-in-Law,” who was being rudely interrupted and chalked it up to somebody that wanted to hear themselves speak.
As a woman in my late 30s, I started to seek out mental health support because I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. One of the behaviors I wanted to change was always feeling like I was interrupting others, but I truly cared about what they were saying and wanted to show them that. Listening, for me, was waiting my turn to speak, not hearing what was being said. I thought it was a flaw in my personality.
After much digging and many other behaviors that seemed related, my therapist recommended I be evaluated for ADD. I come from a generation where ADD/ADHD seemed to be a buzzword and a condition that was over-diagnosed to explain troubled behaviors in kids, so I wasn’t necessarily on board.
Fast forward through research and an evaluation, and I have been diagnosed with ADD. It is such a relief to know I am not a bad person, but I have an imbalance of neurotransmitters that creates many of these behaviors I am trying to change, including interrupting. There are so many thoughts in my head that I feel, in order to contribute to the conversation, I have to get them out or I will forget due to the incessant raving thoughts I have.
So while she may love her MIL, she should also know that there are many reasons for people that interrupt and some are not within their realm of control. -
- ADD Adult
Dear ADD Adult: Thank you for giving another possible explanation for interrupting. When we know better, we do better.